Strangest Radio Moments

 On March 12, 2021, an in-cockpit conversation was heard on the San Jose tower VHF frequency, the apparent result of a stuck mic. Heard, and recorded, over the radio was what sounded like a member of a flight deck crew, known only to be an unidentified employee of Southwest Airlines, going off on a diatribe about his intense dislike for California's Bay Area and its people. For revealing what at least some of Southwest's employees really think of their customers, the recording is disheartening. The air transport industry is a service industry, where the customer is nominally king, but it's a service industry where the supply side is dominated by a few big players who behave as though they don't feel much pressure to compete for their customers' business. For the public who have grown accustomed to airlines who treat their customers like anything but the king, this latest incident, and Southwest's somewhat uninspired response, feels like more of the same. Maybe a bit more edgy than the endless piling on of nickel-and-dime fees, maybe a bit less edgy than the time United Airlines sent in airport security to rough up a passenger that they no longer wanted, but fundamentally more of the same. 

When the incident became public in late March of 2021, I quipped in a tweet that the content of the recording, while shocking, wouldn't even make the top five weirdest things I've heard on the radio. That may or may not actually be true. Such a judgement is obviously subjective, but the Southwest rant was a doozy. Since I wasn't there to hear the transmission in real time, I'll take the easy way out and just say that the point is moot. An interesting question does come out of this, though. I first started listening to shortwave radio in the late 1970s. In the ensuing decades, what have been some of the weirdest things I've heard? There was a lot to sort through. I've heard the "SKY KING, SKY KING, do not answer" broadcasts. I've heard numbers stations and pirate broadcasters and thousands of beeps and buzzes that I can't identify. I finally came up with five that stand out for me. One came from a broadcaster, one from amateur radio, and one from a transmission of which I was an intended recipient; I'm at liberty to discuss those. The other two were cases where I was monitoring utility frequencies; out of respect for the participants and the Communications Act of 1934, I'll be a little more stingy with the details on those.

BUFFs and Stuff

One of my favorite frequencies to monitor as an SWL was 6761 kHz. This was the Strategic Air Command's primary HF frequency. The emergency action messages, a seemingly random string of letters and numbers, read slowly and deliberately, were every bit as eerie as they're made out to be in the movies¹. Air-to-ground traffic was mostly B-52s and KC-135s getting last-minute weather briefings for their arial refueling tracks or for their simulated bombing runs.

One afternoon I heard a B-52 calling for a weather briefing for a live-fire bombing run. The excitement in the pilot's voice was noticeable. I wasn't in the service, but I can make an educated guess about the dynamic. You spend day after day training and preparing and perfecting your particular skillset. It probably gets a little monotonous. Then one day you actually get to go blow stuff up. Not only that, but since it's an exercise, no one gets hurt—on the ground or in the aircraft.

Sometime after the weather briefing, the same B-52 called the ground and asked for a phone patch to the base maintenance office. The pilot and someone in the maintenance office discussed a problem with the aircraft. After a lengthy talk, the maintenance office recommended that the B-52 scrub its live-fire exercise. The pilot, an officer in what is arguably the most powerful military force ever assembled, in an aircraft capable of carrying more explosive power than was expended in the Second World War, summed up the day's events in three words. "Well, that sucks."

RBI Changes its Tune

In August of 1989, Hungary opened its border with Austria, giving East Germans on summer holiday an unimpeded path to relocate to the West. Looking back, it's interesting how clearly we realized at the time where that would lead. The opening along the Austria/Hungary border made the Berlin Wall and other impediments to leaving East Germany obsolete. Without the ability to hold its people captive, East Germany would have no choice but to implement political reforms and shake off the influence of the Soviet Union. If the staunchly communist East German government were forced to reform, other Soviet clients in eastern Europe would surely follow suit. Reunification of Germany would be a likely outcome as well.

In the early fall of 1989, I was listening to Radio Berlin International, the international shortwave broadcaster of East Germany. A female announcer glumly read a scathing editorial reaffirming the German Democratic Republic's commitment to socialist principles, and dismissing as absurd any talk of "annexation by Federal Germany." The very next day, I tuned in RBI again. This time a male announcer and a female announcer were in the studio live. It was obvious that both were working without a script. All they could do was banter on about all the exciting changes taking place in East Germany. By mid November, the Berlin Wall would fall, and the Cold War would be on its way to ending pretty much the way we all saw it coming in the summer of '89. Radio Berlin International would go on to merge with Deutsche Welle.

Health & Fitness & Marital Advice on 80 Meters

I don't operate on 80 meters. I don't have room for an antenna. From what I've been told, I'm not missing much. While monitoring 80 meters as an SWL back in the early '80s, I once heard a QSO that goes beyond in exemplifying why so many hams to this day avoid that band.

A middle aged ham was lamenting his lack of time and opportunities to exercise. The somewhat older ham on the other end of the QSO had just the solution. He suggested to his younger counterpart that vigorously engaging in, uh, marital activities could be an excellent cardiovascular workout. As encouragement, he suggested that "a young man like you could"—to return to the vocabulary of exercise and fitness—complete two to three sets nightly. Like I say, I don't do 80 meters.

Goodnight Clouds, Goodnight Rain. Goodnight Flight Decks of Faraway Planes

Speaking of stuck mics on airplanes, one night I was monitoring HF frequencies that are used to relay position reports, requests, and clearances between air traffic control and aircraft flying over the ocean out of range of the centers' VHF radios. After a routine position report, I heard a pilot exclaim how the sun streaming through the cockpit windows was just about enough to make you want to take a nap. He went on to tell the aircraft's crew, me, and literally anyone else on the planet who might have been listening to the 8 MHz aero band the story of a flight where the sun was similarly situated and there was nobody awake on the entire flight deck.

Rubber Ducky

My daughter and I have an annual tradition going back to when she was about five years old. I take a day off work and we spend the day sailing. In the early years, it was a beachable dinghy on San Diego's Mission Bay, where we'd sail around from beach to beach. In more recent years, it's been on San Diego Bay (also called the Big Bay, to distinguish from Mission Bay) or on Long Beach Harbor in a Capri 22. In the summer of 2019, just before the beginning of her senior year of undergrad, she asked me to travel with her to Chicago where she would be attending an information session for graduate school at Northwestern². So we did something a little different that year. We sailed Lake Michigan on a J/22 out of Belmont Harbor on Chicago's North Side. 

Being a prudent sailor, I took a VHF marine HT with me, and monitored channel 16 the whole time we were on the water. Each year the Chicago river is the site of a charity rubber ducky race; we just happened to be sailing on the lake the same day the race was taking place on the river. A number of boats on the river were calling the Coast Guard on channel 16, impatiently asking what was causing all the delays. Finally the Coast Guard, having heard enough, issued the following broadcast on channel 16.

"Sécurité, sécurité, sécurité. This is Coast Guard Sector Lake Michigan, Coast Guard Sector Lake Michigan, Coast Guard Sector Lake Michigan. There will be approximately 60,000 rubber duckies and a fire boat on the Chicago River in the vicinity of the Wabash Street bridge. Those transiting the river are advised to use caution. This is Coast Guard Sector Lake Michigan, out.”

That transmission remains contextually the finest—and out of context the strangest—thing I have ever heard on the radio.

1. If you find yourself in Arizona, go see the Titan Missile Museum. It's an actual Titan II missile silo, now decommissioned. It's a piece of living history. There's also a discone antenna that the missile crews used for receiving emergency action messages; I'm told that you can use it if you bring your rig.

2. She now goes to grad school at Northwestern.