Chicago L Traded to New York

 CHICAGO-Hot on the heels of two blockbuster trades that sent Chicago Cubs first baseman Anthony Rizzo to the New York Yankees and shortstop Javier Báez to the New York Mets, the city of Chicago and the city of New York have jointly announced a deal that will send the Chicago Transit Authority's elevated train lines, affectionately known to locals as the L, to New York. Plans are to immediately begin dismantling all of the elevated lines—some sections of which date back to the nineteenth century—for shipment to the nation's most populous city.

"We'd like to thank the L for its century and a quarter of service to our fair city," Chicago mayor Lori Lightfood said, "but it's time to move on and consider new opportunities for bringing our transportation infrastructure into the twenty first century." 

Asked which of the five boroughs would see the newly reconstructed L in their neighborhoods, a spokesperson for mayor Bill de Blasio said that final alignment is currently under study, but that "Staten Island is emerging as the frontrunner."

In return for the venerable mainstay of public transit, the Windy City will get a midtown bodega that never has your favorite flavor of yogurt, the guy who dresses up as Elmo in Times Square, and a flat, soulless pizza.